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Relationship status: Don`t tell me to calm down! You called a stormtrooper a robot!
I just poured myself some iced tea. I could have sworn I heard one of the beers in my fridge whisper "What the F*ck!?"
one of the Olsen twins got married earlier today! when the fiance was asked "which one???" he replied "who cares???"
I`m starting to think that life isn`t worth living anymore and... Oh wait, there`s the bartender now. Nevermind.
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain why i fell asleep on the kitchen counter… naked… again..
Yes, I realize I’m leaving early. But don’t forget, I also came in late.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
I won the Twister contest hands-down.
If you are really bored, I recommend mass texting all of your exes "I`m ready to give it another shot" and then get ready for the ride of your life
The funniest thing about this Facebook status is by the time you realize it doesn`t say anything important, it`s to late for you to stop reading it ... sucker
Weird that we don`t see more pants on fire
All the good ones are either taken or imaginary.
I wish I had a job where I could punch stupid motherf*ckers in the face all day.
Please please, keep talking. I always yawn when I`m interested...
I`ve just been watching a documentary on marijuana...... I think all documentaries should be watched this way.