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The police never think its as funny as I do.
Stop complaining about being single on Valentine`s Day. We have bigger problems in this world. Like why McDonald`s doesn`t serve breakfast after 10.30
Sometimes I take a bath because it’s hard to drink wine in the shower.
Appearing on several episodes of Cops doesn`t make you a TV star.
"Of course you`re the prettiest girl here, you just need to talk louder" - alcohol
Feeling stressed out? Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever`s bugging you.
They should really be Middle-Age Mutant Business Turtles by now.
Hey ladies, you know that feeling you get when you roll over & realize you made a horrible mistake? I could give that to you every day.
If Olympic drinking was an event I would probably take gold in the floor routine.
There`s 3 ways to get something done: 1. Do it yourself, 2. Hire someone or 3. Forbid your kids to do it.
Spring cleaning: The term that gives us an excuse to only clean once a year.
Left the toilet seat up. Wife screaming in 5, 4, 3, 2...
Relationships are like just-out-of-the-oven pizza. You know it`s going to burn you, but it looks so good and maybe this time it won`t?
The older I get the earlier it gets late.
I swear, if Facebook changes their layout one more time, I’m going to post a status update about it & then use their site as much as always.