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I assume guys who wear their phones on the hip do so because their pockets are stuffed to the brim with condoms and girls phone numbers
Do you ever get that feeling that you are being watched? Because if it is bothering you, I can stop.
You know you`re up really late at night when you turn on ESPN and 2 white guys are boxing!
"I guess you`re right." - No one on the internet ever
I`m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Whoever invented self checkout greatly overestimated the general intelligence of the human race.
My life has a great cast, but I can’t figure out the plot.
Why does `beans` only mean secret when it`s "Don`t spill the beans?" Why can`t I say I have a dirty little beans to tell you?
I`m pretty sure there`s a chip in my car that turns all traffic lights RED...
No magician can do a trick that impresses me as much as that ‘take off my bra and make it appear out of my sleeve’ thing that girls do.
I am the head of this household, and I have my wife`s permission to say so.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario & how you handled it. Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Actually, when I went to New Orleans, I blacked out too.
Within 2 minutes, I can gather enough things to allow me to sit and watch tv without getting up for at least 4 hours... Don`t question my laziness
I have an inferiority complex,,,,,, but it isn`t a very good one.