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scream outloud and really fast "I won a math debate"
I might enjoy work more if at the end of the day I could slide down the back of a brontosaurus directly into my car.
sometimes i look at people and think really, thats the sperm that won.
There`s an emoji for eggplants but not for popcorn and this is why trusting people isn`t just hard, it`s impossible.
My neighbor just spent $237.43 at the vet, that`s $1,662.01 in dog dollars.
18 is TOO young to get married! You can`t even buy booze at 18! If you can`t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
We are the only ones who can control our own happiness, but sometimes it feels like someone else is holding the remote.
I know money talks but I wish mine had a better vocabulary instead of just ‘Spend me’.
What’s a drunken pirates worst nightmare? A sunken booty with no chest.
I don`t appreciate my son`s teacher circling all the wine stains on his homework.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put music they don’t like on
Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn`t make a funny, cat-shaped hole. jk
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
I always found it a little counter productive when the teacher would say "Don`t get smart with me!"
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee`s you`re buying it off of sure can.