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I got married so that I can be autocorrected even when my phone is off.
I usually don`t argue with the doctor but I don`t think "Batshit Crazy" is a legitimate medical term.
I will never understand why my fridge has a drawing of a carrot on the beer drawer.
Traffic jams are more tolerable if you just think of them as really boring parades.
Progress is made by lazy people looking for an easier way to do things
Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
If I’ve learned anything in my twenty-two years on this earth, it’s that it’s okay to lie about your age.
"I`d hit that!" -Helpful blackjack dealer
I am a very very very bad influence ... In a good way.
Hi there beautiful, can I drive you to drink?
It`s called fall because everything is falling; leaves, temperature, bank account, gpa, motivation...
pens and pencils are drumsticks and desks and textbooks are drum kits. its a fact.
The hardest part of parenting is standing idly by while your children build a mediocre couch fort.
I was the only one that cared when Jimmy cracked corn.
My reaction to stepping in dog sh!t is identical to me logging onto Facebook