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Sometimes all you need is $500 million dollars.
Just seen a sign reading "PAY ATTENTION WHILE WALKING your Facebook status update can wait". While on Facebook on my phone. While walking...
If you`re bored, wear a cape. Then you can be Super Bored
These last 7 hours at work are always the longest.
Girls are too sensitive. She said she was having twins and I said, "At least you`ll finally have 2 kids by the same father."
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
If you are noticing this notice, you will have noticed this notice is not worth noticing
"I don`t care if you think it sounds gross, that`s what we`re calling it" -Guy who named the sweater.
My favorite sexual position is pretty much any of them. I`m just glad to be involved.
Life is tough. It’s even tougher if you’re stupid.
If a bag is not resealable then it contains one serving. I don`t make the rules.
I live in constant fear that someone will kidnap my mother in law who lives all alone at 48 W Main St, bldg C, Apt 32 on the 3rd floor.
Thanks, autocorrect. I`m sure she`s dying to know about my huge peninsula.
As you get older your Christmas list gets shorter, because the things you want can`t be bought.
STD`s aren`t like pokémon, your not suppose to catch`em all!