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"I`d hit that" -old people who drive
I’ve robbed banks before and they’re never getting their pens back.
I’m shy at first, but once I’m comfortable with you get ready for some crazy sh!t.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back in my toy chest..
If I could trade places with anyone for a day it would have to be on the day I die. I wouldn`t want to be me on that day.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
If you`re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
I`m thankful for pizza and burgers... and ice cream and bacon and fries and... F*ck it, I`m thankful for food. I love you, food.
I am so thankful and grateful that out of all the planets in the universe, we live on one with pizza and vodka.
Some people think I say inappropriate things...I perfer to think of it as being f*cking honest.
If you can’t be a good example, then you’l just have to serve as a horrible warning
My business card is just a picture of me looking inside the fridge.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find `em.
Vodka isn`t the answer... but it makes you forget the question :P
Can you LIKE this status with your elbow? (no cheating)