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For Valentine`s Day my wife wanted to.... well, you know. It started with her handcuffing me to the bed. And for three solid hours she watched whatever she wanted on television
Life is beautiful ...... but Monday`s suck all the way around.
Is that a selfie or did you just photobomb a picture of your filthy bathroom?
Someone told me I`m immature and need to grow up. Guess who`s not allowed in my treehouse now.
Monday must be a man ... It comes too quickly.
If I could keep it short, my life would be so much simpler.
ATTENTION LADIES: I will now be downgrading expectations from someone I can love to someone I can tolerate. Act now while this amazing deal still lasts!
I love sleep ... it’s like a Time Machine to Breakfast.
There are four main food groups: 1. Canned 2. Frozen 3. Fried 4. Drive-thru
I wonder how many couples would still be together if they traded phones for a weekend
I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
Remember before we met? I miss those days.
Family and Friends - I am FAR too busy to listen to any of your problems or concerns *Googles do penguins go to heaven?*
Trail Mix: M&Ms with obstacles
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs… because they always take things literally