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For once Iād like to get kicked into a bar
Pepper spray: The perfect way to end an annoyingly long conversation.
Telling a girl to calm down is like trying to baptize a cat.
On a scale of Doopers, you`re pretty Super.
I don`t hit the "Like" button on my own statuses because I am self-centered, it`s just that I amaze myself sometimes and I want to show my appreciation!!!!!!
I just scrolled so far back on Facebook`s Timeline... I wound up back over on MySpace. :(
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: To propagate authoritarianism and generate revenue for the state? Cop: ...
When in doubt, procrastinate.
Morning workout: Turn on treadmill. Untangle headphones for 14 minutes. Get frustrated, leave and eat doughnuts.
my neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning , can you believe that 2:30am? Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums...
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
I love facebook because it helps me remember what I did the night before when I blacked out.
If a turtle doesnt have a shell, is it naked or homeless ?
Years of education, solving tough problems, handling complex issues, yet we take a while standing before glass doors thinking whether to Push or Pull.
I just hope people who say "Jesus is my co-pilot" realize he`s a 1st century carpenter with no time in a flight simulator.