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I need a hug right now also five hundred thousand dollars in cash.
Don’t piss off old people. The older they get, the less ‘life in prison’ is a deterrent.
$5.99 Trojan condoms or $19.99 Huggies diapers. Choose wisely...
I’ve been waiting 2 hours for an employee to come and wash my hands like the sign says….
The worst about the weekend?? The ending part.
I hope Breaking Bad ends with Jesse waking up from a dream in the middle of Mr. White`s chemistry class.
Waiter, bring me a bowl of turtle soup and make it snappy.
Started working on my taxes today and learned why the form is called 1040. For every $50 I make, I get $10 and the gov`t gets $40...
Life Tip: Get a birthday card with anything you are embarrassed to buy.
Feeling pretty good about myself today so I`m going to go meet up with an ex-girlfriend to bring me back down to normal
Okay restaurants. Enough with the clever bathroom signs. A simple M and F will do. Sincerely, drunk people.
Just heard someone pronounce the H in wheel so I`m gonna need a minute
I`ve started an exercise program. I do 20 sit-ups each morning. That may not sound like a lot, but you can only hit that snooze button so many times.
I finished your laundry, the ashes are in the fireplace.
I can`t wait to miss the upcoming season of American Idol.