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I got in an elevator with a lady with big breasts. She said could you press one for me please. I did and that was the last thing I remember
That awkward moment when your sarcasm is so advanced people think you`re stupid.
I feel like a piece of corn in the digestive tract of life ~ I`m going through a lot of crap but I`m sure I`ll come out whole.
Hey, I found your nose. It was in my business.
I was having breakfast at a friend`s house and she said "How do you take your coffee?" I said "Very seriously."
That awkward moment when you gently toss your phone on the bed and it bounces off 3 walls, breaks 2 lamps and kills a cat...
It`s pretty amazing how many times my daughter likes to say "it`s not fair!" considering she has never had to pay taxes
So I`m giving up drinking. Hard liquor. On Wednesdays. In June. Next year. (Maybe.)
The longest yard for me is that space between me and the nacho dip
Never make eye contact while eating a banana
Oh, I offended you with my opinion? You should hear the ones I kept to myself.
It’s called “Karma” and it’s pronounced “Haha, f*ck you!”.
Inspiration: nobody else knows what the hell they’re doing either.
I think I’m going to take a hot shower. It’s like a normal shower, but with me in it…
Some families are like Snickers Bars. Mostly sweet, with a few nuts!