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If you`re bored, wear a cape. Then you can be Super Bored
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Attention burglars: We may or may not be home. Or maybe we are hunters, waiting for you to get closer for a kill shot
I`ve never been skydiving, but I`ve zoomed in on Google Earth really, really fast.
Sometimes I`ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I`ll be like, "oh no, that can`t be right."
It`s time to wave goodbye to winter. Guess what finger I`ll be using?
I`m sorry we fought ... I hate it when you`re wrong.
The liquor store clerk just wished me a merry Christmas as if she weren`t going to see me 7 more times before then.
Really close to my perfect target weight. All I need now is one more stomach flu
Is it wrong to ask someone with an eye patch "Was it all fun and games up to that point?"
It`s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
The heart wants what the heart wants. *opens 12th beer*
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house, but that fly is dead.
Because it`s the season to give thanks, I would just like to say....you`re welcome.
Its Friday ... my body is in for a much-needed drinking session