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I don`t always play candy crush. But when I do, I have tourettes like a motherf*cker.
Two girls riding their bikes on a cobble stone road. 1st girl: I never came this way before. 2nd girl: Me neither. It must be the cobble stones.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn`t hire stupid people......
It`s called instant messaging for a reason. ..if I wanted to wait a week for a reply, I`d of sent a bloody letter
Some things are better left unsaid...That`s usually the stuff I blurt out right away.
I’ll drink responsibly when there is a brand of vodka named Responsibly.
I`ll be back before you can pronounce actillimandataquerin altosapaoyabayadoondib ab!
Does a transformer get car insurance or life insurance?
The best part about a vacation to England is that my wife won`t need to adjust her driving.
Hey people who buy bottled water for their dogs, can I have some money?
Every Instagram caption should just be, "ARE YOU JEALOUS OF MY LIFE YET??"
I went to Jared for my girlfriend`s Christmas gift. I`m sure she will love her Subway gift card.
I never mix business with pleasure, ......unless i call an escort.
The problem with today`s children is that today`s parents are idiots.
Why do they call it "Jew-ish"? Are they not Jew enough?