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I`m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don`t want to hang out with you now but I`m still proud...
Life is what happens when your cell phone is charging.
Either my cooking’s improved or my family’s immune systems have strengthened.
You’re probably naked under all those clothes. You slut.
My neighbor thinks I`m crazy and that I`ve been stalking her. well at least that`s what her diary says.
I don`t have ADD. It`s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Tequila... It`s not just for breakfast anymore...
The police never think its as funny as you do.
The true definition of safe sex is having a padded headboard.
There`s a sucker born every minute, but swallowers are harder to find.
The only reason I keep my land line is for the eventuality that this is The Matrix.
Give a man a fish and he`ll go to McDonald`s instead. Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald`s
Apparently, you shouldn’t ask your wife if she’s off her meds more than once a week…
If a girl picks an iron in monopoly you know she`s a keeper
It’s not my fault God gave you boobs to stare at.