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2 words, 1 finger.
The only yoga stretch I’ve perfected is the yawn.
I feel like the majority of Eminem`s songs are just him reading from his diary with angry background music.
Imagine how fun Pringles would be if the cans were spring-loaded.
I have the body of a God. Unfortunately, it`s Buddha.
I would gladly believe in a religion that gives me free pizza and says people who squeeze the toothpaste tube from the center go to hell.
How to cure a headache: 1. Drink a glass of water. 2. Take 10 deep breathes. 3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I`m living in their attic...
If money can`t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Obesity: When you buy a hula-hoop and it fits you.
2013 is the first year since 1987 to have 4 different numbers… carry on.
Sometimes it takes me a full 8 hours to get nothing done.
Don`t fall in love, learn how to ruin your life all by yourself.
Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straight from the carton how she’s doing.
My friend`s Jeep was broken into and she acted so surprised about it. Your car is held together by zippers! It`s as secure as my pants.