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I don`t go to bars anymore, but I miss some things about it. So sometimes I wait outside my bathroom for 15 minutes when I`m dying to pee.
I joined weight watchers last month, so far I lost 38 dollars...
Behind every successful student, there is a deactivated Facebook account.
You will never find the right person if you do not let go of the wrong one. Call me!
I am not cut out for the CIA. All the opposing side would have to do is tickle me and I’d spill all our nation’s secrets.
Just wrote ‘You have no new messages’ on a piece of paper, put it in a bottle and threw it far out to sea.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Next time you see someone you don`t like, begin conversation with "I see the assassins have failed."
My mom says I`m special.
You know it´s cold outside when during rush hour you get the mitten instead of the finger.
Silence is Golden, unless you`re married.. Then Silence is Suspicious.
is not rude...I just wasn`t taught to politely pretend to be nice to people I can`t stand.
Never make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for longer than 6 months.
There are two types of people I can`t stand. Nosy people, and people who won`t tell me what`s going on.
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to D!ck, Especially since his name is Steve.