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My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn`t mean together.
Watching a funny movie after watching a scary one too try to reduce the risk of nightmares.
Hi Iām a spider & I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you can.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with "I got the live bees you sent, they`ll do nicely"
My girlfriend just accused me of being unfaithful. I told her that is ridiculous and that she is starting to sound like my wife.
Son: am I adopted? Me: not yet, but we`re hopeful.
The hay in baby Jesus`s manger came from Christian Bales.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a complete loser.
My therapist says I`m paranoid, which is exactly what you might expect from a shapeshifting lizard hired by the CIA to track my whereabouts.
Girls are a lot like oceans, beautiful and deep, but once a month, it`s shark week.
I`ve been hiding from exercise ... I`m in the fitness protection program.
Any way you can speed this up, officer? I`m obviously in a hurry.
If cats could text you back, they wouldn`t.
The cashier at this self checkout is horrible.
It`s always fun to act like you don`t see the person running to catch the elevator your in just as the door starts closing.