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When the zombie apocalypse hits, I know EXACTLY who I`m tripping first...
At what point does the dentist stop giving you toothbrushes? Dude, I’m forty. I have one.
I’ll stop being so lazy when being so lazy stops being so awesome.
I wish I could write `` I Miss You `` on a rock and throw it at your face, so you can know how much it HURTS to miss you
If you think your wife has a great sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes. Not the best idea a man ever had ;)
I go both ways. I like hard AND soft tacos.
Only at McDonald`s do they say, "Sorry about your wait" and actually mean "weight" :P
According to Pinterest, I`m severely under-utilizing mason jars.
So far,,, I`ve spent 300% of this week exaggerating.
It`s always the darkest before dawn. So if you are going to steal your neighbor`s newspaper that`s the best time to do it.
The closest I`ve come to camping was that one time when I fell asleep in the bushes outside your window with my camera.
Have you ever noticed that the & symbol looks like a guy dragging his butt across the floor?
Everyone is beautiful in their own way, your way just happens to be in the dark.
Part of me wants to help you with your crisis, but part of me wants to go to happy hour.
Why get married? Just pick a girl you hate and buy her a house.