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Relationship status: my cat won`t sit still for our selfies.
You can`t fix STUPID, but you can Numb it with a 2x4.
Only thing harder than quitting cold turkey is quitting warm ham. It`s delicious.
I can`t get the cork off my dinner.
People say love is the best feeling ever. However I think finding a toilet right away when you have diarrhea is better.
I always honk when I drive by homeless guys sleeping, just in case they overslept for a meeting
White girls be like: I`ll have one triple mocha dark chocolate ugg boot raspberry white iphone 5 double caramel infinity sign frappe please.
I`m not saying I hate you, but I`d unplug your life support to charge my phone.
$5.99 Trojan condoms or $19.99 Huggies diapers. Choose wisely...
If people could read my mind, I’d get punched in the face a lot.
I took part in the sun tan world championships this weekend. I got bronze.
Cheer Up. Right now, somebody, somewhere, is thinking about you naked.
I have the ability to drive people crazy. I`m not sure if I was born with it or if I learned it. But damn am I great at it.
If at first you don’t succeed, you shouldn’t diffuse bombs.
Happy Birthday to all those ladies that their men forgot about because it falls on Super Bowl Sunday this year.