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Wife: You always blame other people for your problems. Me: Yeah, and whose fault is that?
I`m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Your day sucked, huh? I`m sure Facebook would love to hear about it.
Okay, I can`t take it anymore. What in the hell holds the blocks up in Mario Brothers?
I think every Taco Bell value meal should be called a "Number 2".
Remeber that time we came to work and we were excited? Me neither.
You know you had a good night when your first call the next morning is from the bank making sure your card wasn’t stolen.
Why even ask how my weekend was if you’re just going to interrupt me halfway through to say “Yeah, I saw your Facebook post.”
I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
The thought of having my own kids is scary because anyone who`s half me and half someone dumb enough to have sex with me is doomed
If a Donkey and Zebra ever mate they`d have to call the offspring a Zonkey because Debra is already taken.
lf the people in the movies listened to me, they would still be alive.
I´m not cheap, but I am on special this weekend. ;)
Sometimes the fact that bacon exists is enough.
Why has no one invented a button next to snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?