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I just did my budget for August. If I don`t buy food ... I won`t need toilet paper. I think I`m on to something here.
The worst part about calling in for a sick day is the pressure of knowing you only have one shot to do the “I’m sick” voice.
All women are bad for me. At least that`s what my wife says.
Why don`t we ever hear anyone bragging about their Allstate safe driving bonus checks?
I`m not a psychologist,,, but I remember when a Hot Wheels track magically cured 80% of ADHD
I don`t know what I would do without you, but I bet it`s awesome.
My hatred for Nicki Minaj probably stems from my fear of clowns.
Dyslexics of the world.. UNTIE!
i feel naked without my mobile !
Sometimes, I wonder if the weather app on my phone even looks outside.
I hate it when people rub things in my face... unless it`s two boobs.
I stay up late every night and realize it was a bad idea every morning.
What idiot called it a driver`s test and not a Game of Cones?
For my next trick, I’ll turn this 12 pack of beer into drunk dialing/texting.
Kids teach you so many life lessons. Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.