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Coffee...Meet your Maker!
I often worry that mankind is going to start World War III soley because we enjoy trilogies.
We`re all here because we`re not all there...
Sometimes I think I`m a relatively smart person. Other times I put my shoes on before my pants and realize who I really am.
Well...today is the day. Just gotta build up the nerve to tell my dog she is adopted.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour must be the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 month olds
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there`s a home invasion the intruder will think I`m part of the team.
I finally quit eating pizza for good, now I only eat pizza for evil.
Last person to like this wins a prize.
A homeless guy asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, "First let me see the sandwich."
Every selfie you post should come stamped with a number like a limited edition print. "Attempt 7 of 25".
I don`t want to brag or make anybody jealous, but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.
A dating site based on Netflix viewing compatibility.
Nothing is truly lost until your mom can`t find it.
Baby Polar Bear: Mommy, am I really a Polar Bear? Mother: Of course you are. Why? Baby Polar Bear: `Cause I`m fukcing freezing!"