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I heard lots of bongo noises coming from my loft last night. It sounded very Drum Attic.
My wife just made a "special" dinner "just for me" for no apparent reason. I`m going to die, right ?
Netflix is soo much better than going out and pretending to like people.
My gift horse is facing the wrong way
So she asked me "Do these pants make my butt look big?" And I said, "Not at all dear .. its the fat that does that." So now I´m single again.
I`m not sure what my credit score is but I`m pretty sure I`m losing.
exactly how long is a cotton picking minute.
Old is when you start thinking about the things you used to do more than the things you’re going to do.
My bucket list: 4 drumsticks, 2 thighs, 2 mashed potatoes with gravy, and 2 biscuits. Extra crispy.
I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can`t have any more food and I`m never ready for that kind of commitment
received a call saying that my son had been lying in school, and was being expelled. I don´t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar.
Your secrets are safe with me because I zone out everytime you speak.
That moment when you have so many things to do...So you decide to take a nap instead!
I just made an emergency survival kit. You know, for emergencies. It looks like all my other kits, but don`t be fooled; this one is red and has more liquor.
I try and inspire at least one person everyday to leave me the f*ck alone.