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I’m sorry I’m late. I saw a drawing of the sun wearing sunglasses and spent 4 hours wondering what the f**k he was protecting his eyes from.
There are only two types of honest people in this world, small children and drunk people.
A “buttload” of underwear would be exactly one pair.
Hitting the snooze button is like hitting the “Next Episode” button on Netflix… it’s going to happen at least 3 times.
The difference between beer and your opinion is that I asked for a beer.
Rock bottom is when you get dinner at the same place you buy your gas.
I was called a sexist today ... I said, I think you`re mistaken ...its pronounced sexy
I read in a book somewhere that we only use 12% of our brains....I wonder what the other half is for?
Home: Where I can look ugly and enjoy it.
I have a PHD (Pretty Huge d*ck)
When I was growing up, I was taught to walk and talk and when I was grown, I was told to sit down and STFU!!!
When I see a shoe on the side of the road I wonder if Cinderella is in a nearby house.
Men who claim women belong in the kitchen definitely do not know what to do with them in the bedroom!
I decided to make a bucket list for when I kick the bucket. Number 1: Wear shoes! Ever tried kicking a metal bucket without shoes?
My husband told me he needed more space ... So I locked him outside.