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this one time I was in a bush, and this squirrel was like hey, and I was like hey you can`t talk to me your a squirrel and he was like yea I know lmao
My worst fear is seeing one of my statuses marked as "exhibit A"
So far I`m 0 for 276 for walking around the block in hopes of finding a bag of money on the side of the road.
Today is National Take Your Flask To Work Day. I just made it up. Tell the others.
I Wonder what Facebook Employees do to waste time at work ?
My friend says to me, "What rhymes with orange?" I said, "No it doesn`t."
That awkward moment when the automatic flushing toilet goes off when you`re still sitting down.
Peppermint Schnapps, the mouthwash you can swallow
I may or may not have just "Whipped my Hair Back and Forth".......
Don`t Follow Me, I`m Lost Too
If you don`t do stupid sh!t while you`re young, you`ll have nothing to talk about later in life while sitting at the bar.
If other employees are taking four fifteen minutes smoke break a day, I should most certainly be allowed a one hour nap time.
One night, as I as lying in bed, I looked up at the stars and thought to myself: "What the f#ck happened to the roof?"
If I had a penny for everytime I heard you bitch at me I`d have enough money to invest in a hitman
If you think husbands aren`t good listeners, whisper "Come here, I`m naked" from anywhere in the house and see what happens.