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Dear children, when you look under your bed, what exactly are you planning to do when you find me? Sincerely, The Monster.
Next time you go to the bank and they ask you if you`d like large bills, just look at them dead serious and say "No, normal size ones if you don`t mind."
The good thing about being 6' 6? is that if I develop a bald patch, no one will see it..Unless you’re using Google Earth.
I hate mixed messages. They`re great.
The longest 10 seconds of my day is when I have to hold down the button on an electronic thing to turn it off
I think the only way I`ll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I`m in prison.
It’s strange to think that the sound of nature is the sound of millions of animals desperately trying to get laid.
I act like Pacman at parties. I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
If at first you don`t succeed, try drinking a shot of Vodka while you do it. You`ll be amazed of how much less you care.
All my life I`ve wanted to learn to juggle. I just never had the balls to do it.
Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but doesn’t get you anywhere.
This is my first lame status of the year. Enjoy!
True self control is waiting until the movie starts to eat your popcorn.
Beach people are fickle. One minute you`re the loser with a bucket of cold fries and the next they`re terrified of the Lord of Seagulls.
If a dwarf smokes weed does he get high or medium?