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My Wife: Why are you home so early? Me: My boss told me to go to hell
Yesterday was international ninja day and I didn`t even know. Well played ninja day, well played.
Tip to get out of jury duty: Begin every answer with “According to the prophecy.”
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Accidentally took a women`s multi vitamin & I`ve been trying to get dressed for the past 3 hours, but everything is making me look fat.
What happens in Vegas never happens to me
Every load of laundry that I wash, dry, fold, and put away makes nudists seem less crazy.
I really thought 2015 had potential to be “my year” but we’re 2 months in and that ship has sailed so I’ll try again for 2016.
Farting isn`t ladylike? Well, neither is giving a blowjob, but I have never heard you complaining about that!
All the good ones are either taken or imaginary.
The best nights are those when it never crosses your mind to update your Facebook status.
The key to my heart is shaped like a bottle opener.
Why do I even have unlimited texting?
I`d be the stripper that got fired for eating her way out of the cake instead of jumping out of it.
“I wonder how much weight I’ve lost.” -Me, after eating one healthy meal.