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When a bird bangs into your window, do you wonder if God is playing angry birds
"We have smaller, secret pants that we wear under our normal pants..." - me explaining underwear to aliens.
It isn`t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would`ve been a better option.
The cool thing about The Clapper is it doubles as a strobe light during s@x.
I start to feel really anxious when my work piles up. I never know what to ignore first.
Do gun manuals haue a trouble shooting section?
It`s like the people in this restroom don`t even want my help unbuttoning their pants. STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
B!tch life isn`t a garden ... So stop being a hoe!
Actually officer, I`d prefer to think that vodka smells like me.
OMG this is Freaky! Have 8 beers & 3 shots, go to your phone the next day, press ‘Recently Dialed’ & the name of your crush will appear!
I am better off now than I was 4 beers ago...
A good thing about dating a vegan is that you could kill 2 birds with 1 stone, when you buy flowers because they`re also a snack for later.
Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
Nothing sadder than the look on my dogs face when I drop food from the table and they realize it`s lettuce.
Somebody needs to teach opportunity how to use a doorbell.