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If you`re single and you know it hug your cat!
Yes I`m still bitter about my name not being mentioned in "Mambo No. 5"
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed.
Irons are like 1000 degrees, who`s bright idea was it to make an ironing board the flimsiest contraption ever made?
So I was thinking... since the kids get the Easter bunny, why shouldn`t I expect a visit from a Playboy bunny today?
Perfect has 7 letters and so does meeeeee ....Coincidence? I think not.
May your Labor Day contain no Labor!
I did a half hour on the treadmill each day last week. This week, I`m up to 1 hour a day. I`m slowly building up to actually turning it on some time in the future.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
My new dating profile just says "I`m tired of masturbating."
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V "Tuesday"
If you wake up with a chick and you dont know her name, take her to starbucks, they`ll write it on the cup.
Dear karma, I have a list of people you missed.
Remember....... Its not drinking alone if you`re on Facebook ;)