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Corduroy boxing gloves deliver the best punchlines.
I`ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don`t know karate.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
It isn`t a successful BBQ until an intoxicated idiot runs face first into a sliding glass door. I`m fine by the way.
I hate it when teachers say, “You think it’s funny?” Obviously it is, if it wasn’t I wouldn’t be laughing
This prefessor`s nuts. He keeps saying pie is square. I know better, pies are round, cakes are square!
I`m having one of those days where my middle finger is answering all my questions...
Ordering a water with lemon says “I’m too cheap to buy a drink, but I still like a little zing.”
It`s only a 4 way stop if each driver can read
Whenever you feel sad, just remember that somewhere in this world there`s an idiot pulling a door that says "PUSH"..
Last night I was walking the sexiest girl ever home until she turned around and saw me.
My boss yelled at me today “It’s the fifth time you’ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!” I said, “Probably that it’s Friday?"...
I wish my bank account refilled as fast as my laundry basket.
Sometimes I ask myself why do I stay up so late? Then I tell myself it`s none of my damn business.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.