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Three things I’m thankful for this time of year: Family, Friends, and Caller ID to avoid family and friends
I retired from being my brothers keeper when I realised that I was letting in goals that wouldn`t have scored if his post was empty
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Sarcasm and orgasm. Two things most people don`t get. Those who do are smiling right now.
The next time you feel you’re worthless…. just remember…. your organs are worth a LOT of money on the black market.
Life Rule #17: Always hold out your hand when someone is counting money in front of you, ...just incase.
I dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig. It`s not a beautiful poem, but it`s very deep.
Teacher: what comes after 69. Little Johnny: Mouthwash. Teacher: Get out!!!
I used to play sports. Then realized you can buy trophies. Now I´m good at everything.
There is a gym called Anytime Fitness. I choose 2030.
I wonder if strippers have nightmares about accidentally going to work fully clothed?
With all the new car technology you would think someone could invent a side mirror that could show where an object actually appears.
I`m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
They say you need to listen to what your body is telling you. But mine just points and laughs.
Gravity didn`t seem this strong twenty-five years ago.