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This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Forecast for today: Unproductive with a chance of a late drinking session.
Saying "I`m offended" is basically telling the world you can`t control your own emotions so everyone else should do it for you.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Imagine how much faster Olympic sprinters could run if they saw their wives going through their phones at the finish line
I know money talks but I wish mine had a better vocabulary instead of just ‘Spend me’.
It isn`t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door. I`m fine by the way.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
You posted a drunk selfie last night at 2:04 AM and then deleted it five minutes later. But I took a screenshot. Let`s negotiate.
Girl: What color are my eyes? Guy: 34D.
Just once, I would like to wake up, turn on the news, and hear... "Monday has been canceled, go back to sleep."
Wonders why we can`t just all get a Long....Island Iced Tea?!?
The only difference between McDonald`s and my work is McDonald`s has only got one clown running the show.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!...Use your teeth!
I have an inferiority complex,,,,,, but it isn`t a very good one.