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Why don’t we just take the safety labels off of everything and let this stupidity problem solve itself?
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear….. I’m just fat.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that`s just science
So far my bracket is perfect! I can`t wait to fill the rest of it in.
The best time to reexamine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.
My level of sarcasm is to a point where I don’t even know if I’m kidding or not.
My girlfriend JUST spent the ENTIRE day arguing that she isn`t stubborn.. :|
On Mondays I like to reply to all my bosses emails with `unsubscribe`
I`m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
The toughest part of a diet isn’t watching what you eat…It’s watching what other people eat.
I`m a very modest person, mostly because I`m awesome.
My therapist doesn`t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
When I have a yard sale I play the theme song to Sanford & Son with a boombox on my porch.
Do short people start their childhood stories with "when I was little", too?
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.