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Wine is just grapes for procrastinators.
We should have staff meetings in the garden. The plants would love the fertilizer.
"Hey! Aren`t you that guy from the village people?" - Me, to every cop who pulls me over
I like having an ex ...it gives me something to do on Facebook at 3 in the morning.
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why didn`t you text me? I`ll never call you back. Like, ever. You`d have better luck with a telegram.
Dear liver…. Here is an advance sorry for tonight… sincerely Jimmy…
My cat’s gonna be homeless unless he comes up with something funny to post on YouTube.
I found the "one" today! Surprisingly, It`s been on my keyboard all the time.
For the record "Wanna do it?" is not foreplay....
I AM doing something with my life. It’s called screwing around.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
How come we can put a man on the moon but we can`t made a smoke alarm that can differentiate between a house fire and cooking sausages?
If you pour two beers into one glass, it becomes just one beer.
As far as distractions go ... I like to think I`m a good one.
Conversation between Adam and Eve must have been difficult at times because they had nobody to talk about.