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Life is better when you can share it with a friend that has the same sick, twisted personality as yourself.
Snakes are terrifying because they can`t trip and fall over sh!t. No creature should possess such power.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
The first rule of Right Club is that your wife is the only member of Right Club
Deja poo. The feeling that you`ve heard this sh!t before.
Women seem to want security. At least that`s what they yell whenever I approach them.
I`m done chasing people who aren`t willing to do the same for me. After today, the ice cream man can go f*ck himself!!
Shoutout to this ATM fee for making me buy my own money.
It`s just adorable how the Liquor Store cashier always wishes me a good week as if I won`t be back tomorrow.
I puked in the backseat of my friend`s brand new Mustang in the Fall of 1989. There wasn`t any social networking back then, so I`m telling you all now...
I found a real money maker in selling homing pigeons....... So far this month I sold mine 4 times.
This beer sure tastes like I`m on vacation next week!
They say a dog park is a great place to pick up girls. I don`t have a dog so I am walking around with a bag of poop so I won`t look weird.
Sorry a remote fell out when you took off my bra
I`ll be glad when it`s warm enough to pee outside