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If you just got invited to do something on New Year`s Eve, it means someone else cancelled.
My wife said she wanted to feel special. So I gave her a helmet and some crayons. Perhaps I misunderstood her?
I never got the expression "complete idiot". Is there an Incomplete version?
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
I just ordered a Life Alert bracelet so if I ever get a life I`ll be notified immediately.
Sometimes I think my job is actually a hidden-camera game show where they see how much absurd bullsh!t I`ll put up with before I catch on.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses...
Finally, my winter fat is gone, now all I have are spring rolls.
My blind neighbor sure does take his dog on a lot of walks...
Me: There has to be a way I can lose weight! Friend: Eat healthy? Exercise? Me: No, that`s not it. Keep thinking! We`ll figure this out.
I can`t stand people who use song lyrics in their status` because they remind me of sombody that I used to know
When life gives you lemons... all you need is tequila (and salt).
I’m dedicating this status update to all the status-less people out there. Stay strong.
"Stop, Drop, and Roll" is not JUST an effective fire safety technique, but also a very memorable way of getting out of a boring conversation. :P