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You don`t get to complain about life until you move out of your parent`s house.
My 83 year old neighbor got pulled over for speeding. She told the cop she had to hurry before she forgot where she was going.
Dang I didn`t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Saw a billboard ad for potato chips that proudly claimed "There`s a lot of pride in every bag!" Hmmm...is "pride" another word for "air"?
Was born with a rare condition called "Amazing"
I asked my mom for money and she said "Does it look like I am made of money?" I said "Well isn`t that what M.O.M stands for?"
A coworker wouldn`t stop bragging about her upcoming trip to Hawaii, so I emailed her a bunch of pictures of plane crashes.
Well aren`t you a f*cking waste of two billion years of evolution.
I don`t live paycheck to paycheck. I live paycheck to four days before paycheck...
Could you imagine if guys commented on their guy friends` profiles the way girls do? "Bro, you look so handsome" "Looking hot, man!" "OMG, your jawline is cray" "Ugh, how are you this perfect dude? I`m jelly" "sexy much?!"
I have found my sleep number and it is eleven, eleven beers.
When someone walks away from me shaking their head, I totally agree.
Just witnessed kids playing tag. What is this world coming to? Do their parents know they are outside, interacting, and getting exercise?
If you enjoy being the 10,000th person to put your thumb into a hole, then bowling is for you.
Stay positive ladies, maybe he just didn’t hear you the first 100 times.