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What I lack in height, I make up for in kitchen counter climbing ability.
"I have almost $67 in the bank!" sounded a lot more impressive when I was 12.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
*Me washing my car* Person: Hey what’s up? Washing your car? Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
I’ve been a sucker for boobies since the day I was born.
Does the sleeve tat go with my male pattern baldness and pot belly? Asking for a friend.
One man`s girlfriend is another man`s password.
I don`t always say `oops`, but when I do, it`s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
If my calculations are right, by November of 2019 my uneven usage of conditioner will finally lap the shampoo and I will run out of both at the exact same time.
Sometimes I think my job is actually a hidden-camera game show where they see how much absurd bullshit I’ll put up with before I catch on.
Doing some caroling! All by myself. In people`s backyards. In the bushes. Very little singing. Mostly watching.
Opposites attract, that`s the trouble with being awesome
I just made my first snow angel!! ... Ok fine.. I got bored, got drunk and then passed out in the snow, whatever!
You know that old saying? If you seen one woman naked. You want to see all women naked.
It’s a holiday. You know what that means… Ten million status updates saying the exact same thing. Get ready.