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Do not treat a woman like an object. It hates that...
It’s silly how we spend money on clothes when naked is free.
If you lose your shoe at the end of the night, you’re not Cinderella. You’re probably just drunk.
Fun Fact: A pizza will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
You can`t fix STUPID, but you can Numb it with a 2x4.
When riding in an elevator, be sure to push all the buttons. Your fellow riders will appreciate the fact that you thought of everyone.
If someone starts a sentence with "words can`t express," brace yourself, because they`re about to give it a hell of a try anyway.
Sarcasm is like a good game of chess. Most people don`t know how to play chess.
I can bench 250 lbs. And by that, I mean, I can sit myself down on a bench in a local park.
“Let’s eat, get drunk and watch people exercise” – sports fans
Sometimes I think I’m too picky. Then I watch my dog look for a place to poop.
If you try to fail but you succeed which have you done?
Guys, freedom of speech doesn`t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Your clothes are making me extremely uncomfortable. Please, take them off.
I wish "You idiot" was an appropriate way to end a work email.