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Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "Oh dear, this is going to take more than one night."
Spent the morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
I wish someone would steal my identity, fix it and and give it back...
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though.
Something I will never understand: Why it’s acceptable for people to be idiots but not acceptable for me to point it out.
Follow your dreams. Unless it’s a person. ..apparently they call THAT stalking.
People are so weird. You reach under the bathroom stall to tie their shoes and they freak out instead of saying thanks.
Some days, I practice positive thinking. Other days, I`m not positive I am thinking.
Arguing over a girl`s bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Coors or Budweiser -- Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
?”Nobody listens to me….” – Yellow traffic light
They don`t say "Get down Mr. President" anymore. Now they just shout, "Donald Duck!"
It makes me sad that the closest I`ll ever get to `hulking out` is splitting my trousers when I bend over.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
To Do List: 1: Buy a knife 2: Call it kindness 3: Kill people with Kindness
Just read someones status, "Today is the frist day of your life," Thats just stupid, mine was over 45 years ago.. If it was the frist day of your life you wouldn`t be able to read it... Dummy