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I don’t trust joggers, it’s a little too convenient that they are always the ones to discover dead bodies.
I just saw a 2 or 3yr old boy wearing a t-shirt that says, "if mom or dad wont buy it I`ll just sms grandma and grandpa"
Half the lies they tell about me aren`t true
I`d like to give a big shout-out to all my hard of hearing friends!
We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.
I just saw a bus that you would look amazing under.
Boobs are like friends. Some are big. Some are small. Some are real. Some are fake. And some are just so fantastic you want everyone to meet them.
I`m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn`t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Confucius would have been great at Status Updates......
This one time, I got trapped inside a couch cushion fort for like 47 days cause I forgot to put a secret door on it.
Waldo’s mom must be worried sick.
Nobody tell my husband that "year round periods" aren`t a thing.
Designated Driver is just a nicer way of saying, you can come with us, but nobody wants to deal with your drunk a$$.
If you can`t handle me at my worst, then that sucks because that`s all there is to me.
I wonder if Oscar the Grouch has a hipster cousin somewhere that lives in a recycling bin