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There would be fewer problems with children if they had to chop wood to keep the television set going.
There are 2 types of people that annoy me: Drunk people, when I`m sober. Sober people, when I`m drunk.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Remember that one time the cops pulled you over, then let you go because they had a more interesting call. You are welcome.
Coffee is nature’s way of saying “Go ahead, get drunk on a weeknight, I got your back!”
Not having any friends means I`m always the pretty one.
Look in the mirror and tell me that God does not have a sense of humor.
I feel like there’s something missing in my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
It`s a good idea to test your immune system from time to time by eating a gas station hot dog
Carfax but for people
If I was a Chinese millionaire I would change my name to Cha Ching.
She heard me call her a bitch so now I have 100 problems.
Rump roast is called rump roast because nobody would eat it if it was called cow`s ass
Chips have little nutritional value. That’s why you need to eat the whole bag.
Of course women have cleaner minds than men. They change them so damn often.