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I feel bad for lions at zoos. How would you feel if a bunch of pizzas came to your house, took your picture, and you couldn`t even eat them.
They say the camera adds 10lbs. Stop eating cameras!
If I share my food with you, its either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don`t want it.
A garbage disposal is just a device for finishing off all the food no one else in the house will eat.
I am the bestest at the English language...
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer? I replied the chances of two serial killer’s being in the same car are astronomical.
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great subway sandwiches.
Half of me is a hopeless romantic. And the other half of me is, well, an asshole.
Why do they even offer 2014 as an option when selecting your birth date? Like you’re fresh out of the womb ready to join Gmail.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night`s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
I swear I can hear Google sigh every time I start typing in their search bar.
I guess if you spoke your mind, you´d be speechless, huh?
They say dolphins are the second smartest animal after humans, but I`ve never seen a dolphin with a face tattoo.
I can`t turn water into wine, but I can turn vodka into dinner
I don’t think my inner child is ever moving out.