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This debt collector was just so surprised I answered my phone that they stuttered and hung-up lmao!!
I hate it when I don`t forward a chain letter and I die the next day.
My kids keep bugging me about dinner, even after I keep telling them I already ate.
Instead of the John, I call my bathroom the Jim...that way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim every morning.
Mashed potatoes really beg the question: “what else could we massively improve by squashing the hell out of it?”
I`d like to eat healthy, but we all know what happened that time Eve ate an apple. Best not to risk it.
There`s 3 ways to get something done: 1. Do it yourself, 2. Hire someone or 3. Forbid your kids to do it.
Screaming out "BOOM PREGNANT!" during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Improve your memory by doing unforgettable things.
Even if women came with an instructions manual men still wouldn`t read it.
Without ME, it’s just AWESO.
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it`s AM. Google thinks I`ve got my life together.
I`m not opposed to manscaping, but I don`t see the point of cutting the grass until somebody takes interest in the property.
My friend bought some new floral underwear today. I asked her why she bought `floral` underwear to which she replied "its in memory of all the faces that have been buried there".
Dear Social Media, thanks for showing me that I can like people. So long as I don`t have to see, touch, or smell them.