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If only my ceiling fan could hold my weight, then I would never be bored again.
I`m considering buying a racehorse and naming it, "My Face". Just so I can hear everyone in the stands scream "Come on, My face!!"...
LIKE IF you… walk into a room, forget what you need, walk out, and then remember.
Never do anything that you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics.
There is no greater stress than the stress of a guy who forgot his phone & left it at home with his wife.
I keep graphic, full frontal nude pictures of myself on my cell phone in case anyone ever hacks it. That`ll teach `em.
This donut scented car freshener will more than pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Lately, my furnace has run so much I nicknamed it "Forest".
didn`t get much sleep last night, I tried counting sheep but they kept cutting in line, confused the hell outta me!!
Sometimes I use big words that I don’t fully understand in an effort to make myself sound more photosynthesis.
You know it`s a really good bar when there`s a couple outside breaking up.
Check this one out.........1
My wife and I are pretty upset. It looks like someone broke in and surfed porn on my computer. They didn`t touch anything else, so that`s good.
What did I get for Christmas? Fat...
Some days you`re the Titanic, some days you`re the iceberg and some days you`re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.