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When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Nipples: Nature`s thermometer.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life. 2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
18 is TOO young to get married! You can`t even buy booze at 18! If you can`t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
If puppies could talk I would never even want to try and make human friends ever again.
Since you no longer have a calendar I`d like to notify all the Mayans that it has been one year since the end of the world.
On a scale of 9 to 10, how would you rate me?
I feel it`s important for you to know, no matter what I`m faced with and when given the option, I am that guy who will send you a voice-mail marked confidential.
I need to do laundry so bad I`m actually wearing Christmas stockings
Sometimes I really think I have my life together...and then I realize my underwear is on inside-out.
LIKE if you check your phone to see what time it is and then check it again because the first time you weren’t paying attention.
I`m a compulsive liar. Every thing I say is a lie. And that`s the truth.
Q: What is the best thing God ever created? A: The vagina. Q: What was the worst thing God ever did? A: Put women in charge of them.
The voices in my head are not real, but they have good ideas.
Wonder what my couch is doing right now.