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Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
I had hopes and dreams. Now I have vodka and the internet.
Honey, your haters are imaginary. No one wants to be you. I promise.
I`m running low on funny but I have plenty of sexy left.
if you wake up at 3am and scream bloody mary three times in the mirror, your mom will tell you to shut up and go to bed
I wish I could just “like” a text so I don’t have to respond.
Why are kids obese? Maybe because Burgers are $.99, & Salads are $4.99.
I have just one thing to ask you people who say the memory is the first thing to go: What did I come in here for?
Meant to tell my kid "Good night, I love you," but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school tomorrow because this is bullsh!t"
Sex, drugs, and candy crush all have one thing in common. It’s only an addiction if you start paying for it.
Why don`t strip clubs do Black Friday? It would be the one place I would camp out to go in.
Is it bad when I’m talking to myself and I’m not even listening?
tell your boobs to stop staring at my eyes
Keep it up and I`ll make sure u end up on a milk carton.
Be nice to me ... I may be hot one day.