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No, I didn`t say I was a taxidermist. I said, I can stuff your beaver.
I love nostalgia. Not sure what it means, but it reminds me of magical words from my childhood.
Just because I`m awake doesn`t mean I`m ready to do things
What`s worse to have stuck in your head; a knife or All About That Bass?
Do you think people in Mexico ever say, "Those jobs keep stealing all our Mexic?ns!"
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa`s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
Anyone want to be fake engaged for two hours so we can eat cake samples?
If you really want someone to listen to you, start the conversation with "I shouldn`t be telling you this but ..."
That moment when you realize the object of #WeightWatchers is NOT see who can score the most points...
I don’t understand decaf coffee. It’s like sex without the sex.
It is amazing how quickly kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, dishwasher, or vacuum cleaner.
It’s always a special moment when you finally get to hear those three words you’ve been waiting for……. “Your order’s ready.”
Walmart does not have a dildo section. But it`s always fun to ask their employees if they do.
Thought I was having deja-vu. But it turns out, I do the exact same things every day.
When someone tells you they`re playing a STD game... But you later realise they were talking about Spot The Difference.