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I’m cutting the sleeves off my Snuggie because it makes me look more badass.
French people give me the crepes.
I miss being able to use the excuse "I wasn`t home when you called."
I tend to avoid things that make me look fat. You know like scales, mirrors and photographs
Is there another word for synonym?
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
People should seriously stop expecting normal from me...We all know it`s never gonna happen
In an alternate universe somewhere, all the ducks are making white girl faces.
Nothing hides your feelings like the backspace key.
What am I taking to the Family Thanksgiving feast? Tupperware.
Just found my TV remote and a newspaper in my fridge. It`s pretty awesome that society lets me live by myself.
My favorite exercise is a combination of a lunge and a crunch. It`s called lunch.
My dance moves are somewhere between “dog being shocked by an electric fence” and “squirrel crossing the road.”
I`m just amazed after all these years that we STILL haven`t seen Mario`s buttcrack.