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In the morning instead of having coffee and reading my horoscope, I have coffee and unfriend anyone who posts their horoscope.
There`s nothing better than a nap after a good nights sleep.
How come "you`re a peach" is a complement but "you`re bananas" is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?
It`s weird how we are all here because of boners
I always say, "monring" instead of "good morning" because if it was a good morning, I`d still be in bed sleeping.
Jack The Ripper would be a great name for a fitness trainer.
I don`t get why people find drunk texts annoying. You`re the person they`re thinking of when their brain can`t even function properly.
Leaving your window open for an hour and the cast from f*cking Bugs Life decided to start producing their second movie.
The existence of the `snooze` button tells you everything you ever need to know about the human race.
I don`t understand when people say `age is just a number`... Age is clearly a word.
My wife says I talk while I sleep. But Iām skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
Hey whiny kids with iPhones: when I was your age, I played with a stick.
A movie ticket for a baby should cost at least $50.
I quit beer every time I wake up hung over
All these years and I still don`t understand why they didn`t put Kevin Bacon in Grease.