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*Me washing my car* Person: Hey what’s up? Washing your car? Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
I drink to make other people interesting
I hate hanging out with MC Hammer, he never let`s me touch anything.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot them?
My most frequent walk of shame is from one bathroom to the other with the plunger
If you live by the sword, I guess that is pretty cool. I live by some trees and shit.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920x1080 , this year it`s to be less of a nerd.
Some people are like eye-candy... I`m more like eye-meatloaf.
You say you want to bring me back to reality. You’re assuming I’ve been there before.
There are 15 year olds skating in the Olympics and I can’t even walk down my driveway in winter.
I’m drinking something. I`ll give you a hint: It starts with a B and rhymes with....um..... “beer.”
You never really know if you`re over someone until you`re in the car and they`re in the crosswalk.
B!tches be trippin ... OK, maybe I pushed one.
If I ever go missing and there’s a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Im switching some friends from my Facebook account to my Fakebook account.