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I always knew that one day I`d end up face-down in the gutter. I just didn`t expect everyone to keep on bowling...
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance…the five stages of me hitting the snooze button in the morning
I`ll tell you what a woman wants. She wants you to drag her to the bedroom, toss her down, and do the dishes and laundry while she takes a nap.
The only thing I understand about Algebra: I look at my X and I wonder Y
I never thought I’d be the type of person who would get up early in the morning to exercise. I was right.
Headaches are when the voices inside my head get into a fist fight.
Despite the old saying, "Don`t take your troubles to bed", many women still sleep with their husbands.
If I gave you a penny for your thoughts I`d totally be expecting some change back.
When I`m happy, I drink and when I drink, I`m happy. Win/Win!!
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Sometimes when it rains I go outside with a cocktail umbrella and pretend I`m a Giant.
I tell my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I`m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
I accidentally did yoga once when I couldn`t reach the toilet paper.