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Just because you think it`s a bad idea doesn`t mean we won`t have a good time.
There is always something to be thankful for. If you can’t pay your bills, you can be thankful you are not one of your creditors.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening
Sometimes I think my job is actually a hidden-camera game show where they see how much absurd bullsh!t I`ll put up with before I catch on.
I love you more each day as my other options diminish.
It’s hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
If you think I wrote this status update in the nude, you`re wrong. I`m wearing a sombrero and a candy necklace.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks. I`m out in public. Thanks.
I`m fat, but I blame my dog for not exercising me enough.
I hate it when people rub things in my face... unless it`s two boobs.
What do you mean my bathrobe is inappropriate? Isn`t it casual Friday?!
I think New York has reached the point where it can finally be called York.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says "cheers" so.... no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
I hope when I die Charlie Sheen`s life flashes before my eyes.
When I finish eating something I have to show my hands to the dog like I`m a blackjack dealer...