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I helped my girlfriend with the dinner last night. I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
I read an actual newspaper today! For those of you who don`t understand, a newspaper is like the Internet but made of paper.
Ever since I installed Adblocker, I have been severely depressed. Hot singles in my area are no longer interested in me.
Walmart is one store where it is truly acceptable to shop in your pajamas.
lord, we beg you for tupac, and in return you can have justin bieber
I do not argue, I explain why I’m right.
Not so great minds also think alike.
Over half the contacts in my phone are named “Do Not Answer”
When I see a shoe on the side of the road I wonder if Cinderella is in a nearby house.
The bad news: I took the wrong medication today. The good news: For the next 3 months I`m protected against heartworms and fleas.
I just saw the neighbor`s kid trying to spray whipped cream on his cat. I`m thinking he overheard something last night in that house he wasn`t supposed to.
I don’t think my neighbor watches porn. She asked if I could fix her sink. I’ve been here for an hour and I’m still fixing her sink.
My wife told me to strive for perfection, so I divorced her and started dating a swimsuit model.
These statuses are a lot better if you imagine them being read by Morgan Freeman.
Friends who buy you food are friends for life.