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I`m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don`t want to hang out with you now but I`m still proud...
I`m all over that like a fat kid on a Smarty
I did not say you are stupid, I just said that you have bad luck when you`re thinking.
You’d think that with as much time as women spend looking at their ass in the mirror they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.
I`m just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.
Have you ever looked at someone and realized "WTF" is always what immediately comes to mind?
It’s what’s on the inside that counts, unless you’re talking about one of those hollow chocolate bunnies.
If Mary Poppins floated in on an umbrella today, they`d shoot her out of the sky with a drone.
I’m Not Arguing. I’m Simply Explaining Why I’m Right.
Bored? Text "Our condom broke." to a random number
I just changed my relationship status from “left hand” to “right hand”…
I don’t call it laying down anymore, I call it landscape mode.
Health care in this country is a disgrace. My doctor said run 3 miles a day for a month. I`m now completely lost & 90 miles away from home.
Sometimes I think "Screw this ... I`ll just be a stripper!"
I think stupid people were put on this earth to test my anger management skills.