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My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. It’s called Lunch.
Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding… that the other person is a complete idiot!
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they`re in the middle of a race.
Why is it when you run into a spider web, you suddenly turn into a ninja?
that an iPhone 6+ in your pocket? Or are you just happy to see me?
I wish hangovers and orgasms could swap durations.
You are not stupid, I just think you have bad luck when thinking.
When I`m home alone and I walk into the basement, I start talking out loud about all the karate I know.
Save some time and just put your Taco Bell directly in the toilet.
When one door closes another one opens. Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work.
My dog takes so long to sh!t I can`t believe he`s not out there playing Candy Crush.
Bartenders are basically professionals that we hire to poison us very slowly in creative ways.
Me and my cat have been staring at each other for so long I forgot which one of us is stoned.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Please be patient...I`m fcuking things up as fast as I can.