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My New Years resolutions are just a list of mixed drinks I haven`t tried yet.
Jerry: Tom, you are a genius!.. Tom: Yeah, I am called that a lot... Jerry: What? Genius?... Tom: No, `Tom`
Out of all the lies I`ve ever told, "Just kidding" is my favorite.
Sleep feels the way pizza tastes.
Does everyone have that one dumb ass that finds you on Facebook and will not give up? Repeated friend requests, inbox messages, and follows my pages. It is driving me nuts. I understand at some point I will have to give in, but just because I am married to her doesn`t mean I have to like her, right?
I wish my car was fueled by my lack of desire to go to work.
I’m old enough to know what’s bad for me and young enough to do it.
I go into Best Buy and ask "Where are your most expensive yet least guarded items?" Then someone is always nearby when I have questions.
Don’t confuse my personality with my attitude. My personality is who I am. My attitude depends on who you are.
Tried to plug my charger in the wrong hole. Siri was like STOP " I don`t do that ".
The difference between your house smelling like delicious popcorn or burnt a$$ is around 24 seconds ..
I like going into McDonald`s and ordering an Egg McMuffin and a McChicken, just to see which one comes first.
Ladies, don`t date him just because his dad has a yacht. Date the dad.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times. Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic