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I miss the days when minding your own business was a thing.
The patience I have for my kids is directly proportional to the amount of people watching me.
You call it being sober. I call it on my way to the liquor store.
Sarcasm, I put that sh!t on everything
I do 5 sit-ups every morning. No, it doesn`t sound like much, but there`s only so many times you can press the snooze button.
Dear Equifax hackers, Please delete my student loan balance, my medical bills and change my credit score to 850. Thanks.
Never let a medical procedure scare you. That`s what the bill is for.
Life Rule #17: Always hold out your hand when someone is counting money in front of you, ...just incase.
So I`m giving up drinking. Hard liquor. On Wednesdays. In June. Next year. (Maybe.)
My new year`s resolution is to stop making new year`s resolutions.
When I wake up at night, I reach out to you, I love you not for what you look like, I love you for what you have inside - Me to my fridge
It`s hard to write a good drinking song. I can never make it past the first few bars.
If you cry loudly enough, your boss will usually let you go home.
I don’t let my friends do stupid things… ALONE!
The early bird needs a punch in the throat.