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Guys... If the girl your getting down with doesn`t even have time to fake an orgasm..... It`s prob best you just make your sandwich
You know you`re up really late at night when you turn on ESPN and 2 white guys are boxing!
I love how when your watching a crime show and they have to tell you that "this is a reenactment" oh really? you mean you didn`t actually catch the murder on video?
My life is just one long improvisation.
If you`re going take a bathroom picture, at least clean it off. I can`t see anything through all the toothpaste.
I need a vacation ... or this fifth of Jack -Me at the liqiour store
Isn`t it ironic that crocodiles like water and people who wear Crocs are douchbags. Ok, maybe I don`t know what ironic means.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Today I met one of those people on the bus that gets all pissed off when you put your finger in their mouth when they yawn.
Your shadow is a confirmation that light has traveled nearly 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet thanks to you
Deep down I don`t believe that paper beats rock.
I just ate a Cheeto that melted perfectly in my mouth! It was Awesome! ....Until I realised that was the highlight of my day.
Ironman and Batman`s only super powers is being super rich and smart really makes Bill Gates a real disappointment.
I guess if you spoke your mind, you´d be speechless, huh?
Some days you just can`t get home to your liquor fast enough