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Who is this "Moderation" they keep telling me to drink with?
Why are you showing me pictures of your kid if you have a dog?
Unfortunately, showing that much cleavage doesn`t fix your face.
I don`t know who I feel more sorry for.. myself for never being able to find where I parked my car?.. or the poor bastards following me through the parking lot hoping to take my parking space...
The object of golf.... is to play the least amount of golf.
Today is the 1st anniversary of the end of the world. Can you believe it`s been a year since the world ended? Time sure flies when it`s the apocalypse.
Nothing like a brisk morning jog to start the day! Just kidding! I don`t do that.
Walking past a new employee`s desk & yelling, "Do you think it`s a good idea to be surfing porn on your first day?" will never get old.
Immature is just a word boring people use to describe fun people.
Sometimes people don`t notice or appreciate the things we do for them, until we stop doing it. They are like, “Why don’t you stalk me anymore”
I knew she was about to say something intelligent because she began with, "You once told me..."
I wish there was a way to find out how many boners you’ve caused in a lifetime, I wanna check my stats.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I want to use my finger and write WASH ME on her face…
Good mothers let you lick the beaters when they`re making a cake. Great mothers turn the mixer off first.
Oh really? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take to mind your own business