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In marijuana`s defense, I`m lazy as sh!t completely sober too.
That moment when you realize your children have your twisted sense of humor...And you don`t know whether to be proud or scared.
I hope I never have to run for my life. It wouldn’t end well.
I may not be the smartest guy in the world, or the richest guy in the world, or the best-looking guy in the world, but,....Oh,hell. Now I`m depressed.
Someone once said that I should always treat other people how I would like to be treated. Now I`m facing sexual harassment charges.
"No! Don`t go into the church! Nooo!" ... "Honey, what movie are you watching?" ... "Our wedding video."
Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets
It was so cold that when we milk the cows we got ice cream.
If a man says you’re ugly he’s being mean. If a woman says you’re ugly she’s envious. If a little kid says you’re ugly, you’re ugly.
My bank lets me send a text message and it´ll text back with my balance. It´s a cool feature but I didn´t think the LOL was necessary.
The Three Up`s in life: 1. Show 2. Keep 3. Shut
Today has been cancelled, due to lack of interest.
I don’t want to rule the world… Just everything within a hundred square mile radius.
When I was little I didn`t care about things like what to wear, my parents dressed me. Looking back at some of my old pictures, it`s obvious that my parents didn`t care either.
Before Walmart you had to buy a ticket to the fair to see a bearded lady!