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Sometimes you run into people who change your life forever ... Bartenders, they are called bartenders.
Sometimes it’s the little victories, like depositing a dollar to avoid overdraw fees that make me feel like a responsible adult.
I screamed a Brazilian times during that waxing.
Therapy helps ... but screaming obscenities is faster and cheaper!
I won’t come to your party unless you have an animal I can spend the whole time hanging out with.
Mothers never really understand the irony of calling their children "come here you son of a bitch"
Every load of laundry that I wash, dry, fold, and put away makes nudists seem less crazy.
Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their butt with an I-pad
The Internet: 1% information 1% jokes 98% outrage over information and jokes
*uses Ouija board* NEW PHONE WHO DIS
I may or may not have just "Whipped my Hair Back and Forth".......
*calling pizza place* "Hello?" Your pizza tastes like cardboard "Are you sure you`re not eating the box again?" *long pause* *click*
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
You know, rumor has it that the Mona Lisa may have been the first selfie.
Sure, I`ll show up at your Halloween Party... I`ll be coming as the invisible man....