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Sometimes all you need, is 500 million dollars.
Patient: "The problem is that obesity runs in my family." Doctor: "No, the problem is no one runs in your family."
When I was a kid…no wait, I still do that.
All my bills say "outstanding", I guess that means I`m good to go!
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle
I hate people that take drugs, specially U.S. Customs and the D.E.A.
I don`t like Instagram. It reminds me that somewhere people are doing stuff. I just don`t need that kind of pressure.
Being a pizza delivery driver is great because literally no one is disappointed to see you
Studies confirm that smoking withdrawal (for me) can be fatal (for you).
Pretending I`m a pleasent person all day is exhausting.
If cats could talk, they`d probably always be correcting your grammar.
Remember before the internet when all the people at the video store knew you watched porn alone on Saturday mornings
You know that awkward moment when you thought someone`s talking to you so you reply to them , then they look at you weird .
The only good thing about being an alcoholic is that no one ever asks me to drive them anywhere.
most teens are switching to twitter instead of facebook. noone wants to get on facebook and catch dad pocking mom... if you kno what I mean;)