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When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn`t hire stupid people.
Sometimes I wish that I could put my wife on airplane mode.
Is beer cheaper on cyber monday?
When my dog sniffs another dog`s poop I can only assume that it`s their equivalent to checking a friend`s facebook page.
"Mary had a little lamb. That`s had." - the wolf
Double-Stuffed Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.
This beer tastes like I’m going to text you later.
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, `Well, she`s there`
life is too short to think twice and act wise....
So....if the cup is only half full....I suggest buying a smaller bra
If cleanliness is next to godliness, then my car is Satan`s chariot.
i dont like ling distance relationships so i move the fridge to my room
You always remember your first Crush. Mine was Orange.
People at work tell me I have a lot of patience. Fact is… there are just way too many witnesses around