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I can`t wait for the day when my kids are old enough that I can drink with them and not because of them.
Someone told me that I seemed a little more classy than usual. The only thing I can think of is they somehow found out I used a Target bag instead of one from Wal Mart to line my bathroom`s wastepaper basket.
Karate is just a violent way of making people smell your feet.
Mrs Bieber.... WHY U NO USE CONDOM?
Raise the bar..? Like go and drink upstairs..?
My personality is 30% the last movie I watched.
Never trust a married guys opinion of who`s hot. It`s like asking a starving guy what food tastes good.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
I see you liked my status... I accept your invitation for sex.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
It`s so cold outside you can see your farts.
I don’t let my friends do stupid things… ALONE!
Turns out a crash diet doesn`t mean having vodka with every meal and falling down the stairs!
The exam hall is the only place on the earth where everyone is desperate for teamwork..
Friday. The golden child of the weekdays. The superhero of the workweek. The welcome wagon to the weekend. The famous F word we thank God for every week.