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I’m probably single because I forgot to forward those chain messages from 2008.
My inner child is a drunken whore
Looking back.. I think I preferred you when I didn`t know you...
It`s a beautiful Spring day to get outside and stare at your phone.
My life has a great cast, but I can’t figure out the plot.
People are so weird. You reach under the bathroom stall to tie their shoes and they freak out instead of saying thanks.
Remember to make some bad decisions today. 20 years from now that’s all you’ll have to make your kids think you’re cool.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, there is no question. I would want them to be alive.
You are by far my smartest and best looking friend on Facebook.
Studies show that people with high sex drives also tend to be very forgetful. Did I tell you guys that already?
I must have a great butt because every time I finish talking with someone and start to walk away, I hear them whisper "What an a$$."
I hate it when spiders just sit there acting like they pay rent.
It´s not that I hate you, it´s just.. well I´ll put it this way.. if you were on fire & I had water, I´d drink it.
Note to self: you never read these notes so stop writing them.
What is it about a car that makes people think we can`t see them pick their nose?