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The hardest thing about returning to work after a long weekend is remembering to fart quietly.
It`s possible you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night
"I didn`t get your text" is the new "my dog ate my homework"
I`m pretty sure country music singers are all just the same guy wearing different hats.
I hate when my mom tells people I`m 503 months old.
Sometimes I take a bath because it’s hard to drink wine in the shower.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa`s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
If I procrastinated any harder right now, it would have to involve time travel.
I`ll be drinking tell I see Leprechauns tonight.
Hi there beautiful, can I drive you to drink?
There are two types of people in this world: those who know how to handle stress, and those who need bail money.
Someone asked an old man: "After 70yrs you still call your wife Darling, Honey and Luv. What`s the secret?"... Old man: I forgot her name 10 yrs ago & I`m scared 2 ask her.
College is the only time in which being poor and drunk is acceptable.
They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. It`s true... The less I see of someone, the more I like them!
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane`s dog & she was like, "I`ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?"