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I can`t even tell what this thing in my fridge use to be.
i spend 800% off my life exaggerating
I hate when people post lyrics from songs, but I will survive.
I just became a professional Counterfeiter, I even have the certificates to prove it.
In paintball, you should be allowed to use a paintbrush as a knife.
It`s great how you have legs that can take you away from a conversation when you don`t feel like listening to people anymore
Mall kiosk employees are basically human pop up ads.
If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I`ll be out sick.
I don’t understand shark movies I mean just get out of the water.
In order to get my teenagers attention I shut off the WiFi router and wait for them in the room it`s in.
When people tell me knock knock jokes, I pretend I`m not home.
My wife is a sex object. Every time I want to have sex, she’ll object.
First, Ray Rice. Now, Adrian Peterson. The prison football league is going to be off the chain this year.
Adam Levine beating me out for sexiest man contest is complete bullsh*t.
It needs more cowbell!!