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My wife’s new cooking show will be called, "Do you smell Something Burning?"
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Someone once said that I should always treat other people how I would like to be treated. Now I`m facing sexual harassment charges.
My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo, because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
If you`re sick and tired of every Asshole on Facebook asking you to copy and paste stuff as your status, please copy and paste this as your status.
If you love something, set it free. Maybe not sharks though. Or bees. Viruses. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don’t love anything.
When someone tells me I`m going to hell, I`m like "yeah, duh, I work there part time as a tour guide!"
I love when people dig their own grave. It saves me so much time.
Trying to achieve the perfect erection. How hard could it be?
I can read your mind, your thinking about sex right now, no wait, wait.. that`s my mind, sorry, I can read my mind. . .
“I wish there was a more convenient way to stalk others”- The phrase that started Facebook.
If a vegan does crossfit which do they talk about first?
The easiest way to escape a conversation is to interrupt the other person and say "this conversation is going great" every few seconds
I`d like to give you a big thumb`s-up. But I`m afraid that would be the wrong finger.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.