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My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
"Hey! Aren`t you that guy from the village people?" - Me, to every cop who pulls me over
You know its cold out ......when you go outside..... and it`s cold out
Lord, grant me the courage to be the person I am under my breath.
If you can’t face it, moon it.
Don`t worry about the grass on the other side. It`s not your grass.
I have a million dollar idea that I will share with the first million people to send me a dollar.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
I’m glad we don’t have to hunt for our food any more. I don’t even know where sandwiches live...
When my kid grows up they`re not aloud to date until they`re married.
The girl next door looks over at me, then her phone, then makes a disgusted look on her face. I think she`s just found my Facebook account
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Perfect girls are found at every corner of the earth... unfortunately, the earth is round.
Pizza doesn’t ask questions. Pizza understands.
my girlfriend asked me to go to the store and pick her up 50 shades of grey, she was pretty mad when i brought home 50 tubes of lipstick.