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I don’t want to sound racist, but all stormtroopers look the same to me.
Never, ever ask a woman if she`s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Don`t ask me for advice, my answer is always get them drunk.
I have been left unsupervised yet again. This usually leads to trouble & other bad things, please have bail money ready and keep your phone on.
I hate it when I walk through a metal detector, and my abs of steel set it off.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Almost considered doing something with my life, but then I sat down and logged into Facebook.
Why are Doctors so afraid of apples?
How do you get in touch with the models in the pictures that come with the frame? I have an out of control, elaborate lie I need help with.
Procrastinators Unite!! ... tomorrow.
Right now my glass is half empty...Hey Bartender!!!
What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
My exercise routine needs to include a little more than opening difficult pistachios.
roses are red violets are blue da shit in my back yard looks jus like you
I used to be so broke when homeless people saw me coming by they would hide their change cups.