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My train of thought likes to circle around the station a few times, take some wrong turns, and end up totally lost.
I`m thinking about investing some serious cash in gold....or maybe some other color.
I swear I just go to the strip club for the music.
Today would be a great day to leave a note on a random car that says "I know what you did".
The only time I use the word “selfie” is when I am describing my sex life.
The invention of the shovel must have been ground-breaking.
Tomorrow, I`m going to open up the time capsule I buried when I was a kid. I can`t wait to see how big my puppy got!
The difference between cheating on your wife and cheating on your taxes is if you tell the truth, the IRS still wants to f*ck you.
Magic words that make my children disappear: 1) Bath time. 2) Who did this?!?! 3) When I was your age...
Well it’s time to go from sitting on my office chair, to sitting in traffic, to sitting on my couch. I’m very skilled at sitting.
I`m a very modest person, mostly because I`m awesome.
I find if you sprinkle some bacon bits on a salad, but don’t actually add any salad, then its a pretty good salad.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
the only way I know something is bad for me is if I like it
If you love something, feed it so much that it get’s too fat for anyone else to want.