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I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Something about today makes me want to be hungover tomorrow.
I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the stall next to me started smoking. Disgusting . . . I nearly couldn’t finish my sandwich.
Sometimes I like to play God and just ignore everyone when they talk to me.
Unless its inappropriately, don`t f*cking touch me.
Dear Mom, If all my friends jumped off a cliff, it`s because it was my idea. Sincerely, Your child is a leader, not a follower.
I like to make up words just to keep my auto correct in check.
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with beautiful daughters do.
Is it ok to take a personal day if none of your pants fit?
To all those that now have a DUI, domestic violence charge or one less finger... Happy 5th of July
I think I`ve finally found someone I could spend the rest of my life with, I should probably get out of her closet and introduce myself.
On the bottle of mouthwash it says "24 hour protection", so why do the directions say "Use Twice Daily"?
Imagine if trees gave off WiFi signals, We would be planting so many trees. And we`d probably save the planet too! Too bad they only produce the oxygen we breath :/
Lisa has 750 friends on Facebook. A week later she adds 150 more to her friends list. What does she have? Answer-Big Boobs
"Oh my god, you`ve gotten so fat! Want me to make you something to eat?" - my mom